This is the second Next Avenue article on moving to “tiny homes” in retirement — or earlier. The first article, Getting Smaller in Retirement, was published in November 2023.Denise Shirey is pleased with the fact that next year she will be 65 and will easily be able to live only on her Social Security benefit. She also has no plans to leave her job and enjoys working remotely from her small home office.
Denise Shirey moved from an expansive horse ranch to this 400-square-foot home so she could live well on only her Social Security benefits.The reason Denise is sanguine about something most people can't do in major metropolitan areas — live almost solely on Social Security retirement benefits — is that she's radically downsized and lives in a home with under 400 square feet in interior living space.
"A death purge of personal stuff is essential. I got rid of nearly all of my furniture except for two recliners and a love seat."
It's not that she's lived in an ultra-compressed home most of her life. She used to live on an 11-acre horse farm with multiple dwellings. When she decided to downsize, she found homes for all but two of her horses, then donated most of her belongings.
After months of research, Shirey designed her "tiny" north-central Florida home with ample screened porches. She moved what remained of her stuff into her home in 2013. "A death purge of (most) personal stuff is essential," Shirey says. "I got rid of nearly all of my furniture except for two recliners and a love seat. I didn't regret any decision (to downsize) and I'm still getting rid of clothing."
Smaller House, Lower Costs
For millions of retirees, downsizing straddles the challenging area between desire and necessity. Singles or couples may not need a 2,000-square-foot-plus home. A pressing need to reduce living expenses may also be a deciding factor. A smaller living space typically means lower tax and smaller bills for utilities and maintenance.
"The most common motivators for moving to a new home include living independently and the cost and ease of maintaining the home," according to a 2021 AARP survey.
Inadequate retirement savings may also trigger radical downsizing: Some 55% of those surveyed by Bankrate said they are "behind when it comes to retirement."
The bottom line for most retirees and pre-retirees is the cost of living in a larger home. Nearly 70% of those surveyed by homes.com said their "primary reason for downsizing was to save money." Note that a higher percentage of Millennials and Generation Xers said that reducing their living expenses motivated them to consider downsizing.
For most Americans, though, unloading most of their possessions is a lot to unpack (quite literally) on an emotional level. After all, we live in a consumer-oriented society that stresses more stuff for more people 24/7. 
Less Room = Less Stuff
Yet with more people considering and doing "death cleaning" — dostadning in Swedish — radical downsizing to smaller living space makes eminent sense for more affordable retirements, for younger generations that won't have to inherit or store massive piles of stuff and for the environment.
Tiny home living is one of the biggest beneficiaries of death cleaning. Smaller domiciles mean less storage space, fewer pieces of furniture and fewer reasons to own things you don't need. It also translates into dramatically lower bills.
"There's only so much you can fit in a tiny home. You can't keep large furniture pieces like Grandma's armoire."
Shirey pays only $600 a year in real-estate tax for the small-home zoned property her house occupies. She has her own well (with a hand pump in case the power goes out) and septic tank. Her electric bill is about $65 a month. She is still deaccessioning possessions while working at home with full Internet access.
While downsizing has a variety of meanings, radical downsizing involves donating, selling or dumping most of your possessions. It's much more than cleaning out your attic or basement, though. Done properly, it can enable you to move to a space that's less than half the square footage of your current home.
That translates into a "tiny" or mobile home, condo or "accessory dwelling unit" that could be sited behind an existing house, perhaps one owned by children or grandchildren (if local zoning codes permit these structures).
Ryan Mitchell of Charlotte, North Carolina, radically downsized so that he could live in a 250-square-foot home. To get there, he had to donate "80% of my clothes and furniture" so that he could lower his living expenses and "spend more time with family and traveling."
If you were Robinson Crusoe and stranded on an island, what would you need to survive — not just physically, but mentally and spiritually?
Drastic downsizing "forces your hand to make decisions," Mitchell says. "You have to be realistic since there's only so much you can fit in a tiny home. You have to be thoughtful. You can't keep large furniture pieces like Grandma's armoire."
Tiny Homes, Big Impact
A significant bonus in downsizing comes if your tiny house generates a much smaller ecological footprint. Smaller homes consume less energy for heating and cooling, therefore emitting less climate-changing carbon dioxide. Most are heated and cooled by "mini-split" heat pumps, which consume much less electricity than conventional heating, ventilation and air conditioning systems. Reducing your living space generally has an upside for the planet.
"In 1973 the average newly constructed U.S. home measured 1,660 square feet," observes Maria Saxton, who is researching environmental planning for her PhD at Virigina Tech. "By 2017 that average had increased to 2,631 square feet — a 63% increase. This growth has harmed the environment in many ways, including loss of green space, increased air pollution and energy consumption, and ecosystem fragmentation, which can reduce biodiversity."
Still, relieving yourself of many, if not most, of your belongings can have a heavy emotional impact. You may have to part with countless curios that trigger memories. You don't have to do it all at once, however. Shirey said her downsizing happened over a period of time. "You need time to mourn" the loss of your possessions, she notes.
What Do You Really Need?
Of course, a natural barrier thought comes into most Americans' minds at this point. "Yes, all this sounds like a great idea, but how would I get rid of all my stuff?" This is a difficult exercise for many, so it's helpful to engage in the "desert island" thought experiment.
If you were Robinson Crusoe and stranded on an island, what would you need to survive — not just physically, but mentally and spiritually? For me, I have long maintained a "desert island bookshelf" of classics that I return to and consider essential lifetime reading. The authors range from Homer to Barbara Kingsolver.
Even if you decide not to dramatically reduce your living space through relocation, downsizing still makes sense. It compels you to be more introspective on what you need and want to reduce your material and ecological footprint. It won't be a seamless process, Mitchell adds, although it will propel you to consider "what you really need and how you want to live."


Radical Downsizing

John F. Wasik

For 15 years, Wendy Perry, 64, juggled her job as IT manager for a private K-12 school in San Juan Capistrano, California, while also caring for her mother, who passed away last year at age 101. Without a break, Perry is now stepping into her second tour of duty as a caregiver, this time for her mother-in-law.
"Over the last two decades, studies about caregiver support in the workplace have identified benefits that can be used for older parents and other dependents. But many of these studies did not consider the needs of hourly workers,"Perry is not alone. She is one of 23 million people caring for older loved ones while also working full or part-time. That is about one in every six employees, according to the National Alliance for Caregiving, a nonprofit coalition that advocates for workplace policies and practices that make life easier for unpaid caregivers.
While some employers offer in-office, remote or hybrid work options, reports show 59% of the entire labor force — approximately 90 million workers — are hourly workers who lack such options. Women and people of color comprise most of the workers without flexible schedules, and several reports found they were the largest groups leaving the workplace during the pandemic due to caregiving responsibilities at home.
Convening an Innovation Lab
The challenges for hourly employees who are also caregiving was the focus of the Rosalynn Carter Institute for Caregiving's (RCI) inaugural Innovation Lab, which focused on improving job flexibility at five small- to mid-sized employers in southeast Michigan. Outcomes and lessons learned have been published in a companion report, "Working While Caring." 
The Innovation Lab brought together small and mid-sized employers from for-profit and nonprofit sectors in southeast Michigan, each of which had many hourly workers in jobs requiring them to be on-site. The goal of the Innovation Lab was to collaborate on caregiving issues in the workforce and outline a plan of innovative solutions.
"If offering a senior care benefit helps just five employees who are caregiving stay on the job, it will save the company $200,000 related to the costs of replacing that employee."
Over the last two decades, studies about caregiver support in the workplace have identified benefits such as: paid family leave, flex time, support groups, remote work and health savings accounts that can be used for older parents and other dependents. But many of these studies did not consider the needs of hourly workers, such as helping to connect to local resources, that vary widely among urban, suburban and rural communities.
RCI  convened its Innovation Lab to consider solutions to these policy gaps. For instance, Employee Assistance Programs — services that offer employees professional help with personal problems — traditionally focused on behavioral programs (such as smoking cessation and weight management). They have provided little more than access to service representatives who can describe caregiving benefits and support services.
The Innovation Lab wants to go further, recommending specialized caregiving concierge services that include family care counseling, communication skills training and psychosocial cognitive behavioral therapy for caregivers. It also says companies need to focus on more employee education on how to manage caregiver stress, costs of care and how to navigate Medicare and Medicaid.
The Innovation Lab wants employers to ensure managers and supervisors are trained on the caregiving benefits their company offers and on communication skills to explain the benefits to employees. Most importantly, hourly workers should have access to a personalized assessment and care plan, especially for people with loved ones with dementia or mental illness.
More Laboratories Planned
The Rosalynn Carter Institute, which is based in Americus, Georgia, hopes to launch additional Innovation Labs in Atlanta and other cities.
"What is exciting about our first Innovation Lab is we are going to move the needle and not just check the box on what employers can do to help caregivers in the workplace," said Jennifer Olsen, CEO of RCI. "Over the next couple of years, the Michigan Innovation Lab will engage a Care Navigator service to help employees manage the costs, resources and programs available to help them balance work and caregiving."
Creating a care culture was the core aim of one of the Innovation Lab participants, the Michigan chapter of Volunteers of America, which provides affordable housing for low socioeconomic individuals, supports veterans with housing and other programs and runs retail thrift stores to raise funds for the programs.
"The first step was eliminating the stigma of not being able to talk about caregiving at work," said Aubrey Macfarlane, president and CEO of VOA, Michigan, who recently moved to Michigan to be closer to her older parents. "We erased all preconceived ideas of what would help our employees then we listened to them and took a bottoms-up and top-down approach so we could determine where to invest our support."
Benefits and the Bottom Line
The RCI report comes at a time when employers are realizing there is no-one-size-fits-all when it comes to benefits for caregiving employees but also that retaining these employees is crucial to the corporate bottom line. U.S. businesses lose an estimated $44 billion annually on recruiting, retaining and realizing employee productivity loss for those caring for older loved ones. In addition, the Urban Institute found individual caregivers who take a leave of absence from work can lose lifetime earnings on average of $237,000 in wages and other benefits such as Social Security and Medicare credits as well as health care coverage.
A recent Harvard Business School report conducted among employers that use Wellthy, a service that provides employees with personalized support to cope with logistical and administrative tasks of caregiving, found that companies offering caregiving support are likely to see a reduction in turnover of five to six percentage points.
"The first step was eliminating the stigma of not being able to talk about caregiving at work."
"Reducing employee turnover rates by just 1.7% is where a caregiving benefit like Wellthy starts to pay for itself," said Lindsay Jurist-Rosner, founder and CEO of Wellthy. "If offering a senior care benefit helps just five employees who are caregiving stay on the job, it will save the company $200,000 related to the costs of replacing that employee as well as win the loyalty of the caregiving employees."
An Ernst & Young survey found U.S. workplaces have four generations who are caregiving — including 42% of boomers, 48% of GenXers and 53% of millennials — while a Harvard report found 73% of U.S. workers are caregiving for a child, spouse, older parent or other loved one. Twenty-three percent of the workforce that is caregiving are caring for both older parents and younger children known as the "Sandwich Generation." 
The number of employees who are caregivers will only grow as the peak-65 group — the youngest boomers representing 4.1 million Americans who are poised to turn 65 this year and every year through 2027 — will join the fast-growing populations of 70-, 80-, 90- and 100-year-olds.
Workplace demographics are not the only thing employers can no longer afford to ignore. A study found the U.S. will lose about $290 billion a year in GDP in 2030 and beyond — more than the annual revenue of Alphabet (parent company to Google, YouTube, Nest), the second-biggest U.S. technology company — if it fails to address the care economy's two biggest issues: the workplace shortage of professional home care workers and the workplace departure of employees who are family caregivers.
Caregivers Needed
This was the dilemma for Karen Yingling, who was recently honored by Carewell as "Caregiver of the Year." Yingling, a millennial living in Duncansville, Pennsylvania, was a fulltime home health worker who was raising five children while also caring for a father with lung cancer and a mother with dementia.
"I was in a situation where caregiving was 24/7 for me — professionally with my home health clients and then with my parents and children when I got home," said Yingling. "After I lost my dad, I knew my only option was to leave my job, even though my clients were like family, to care full-time for my mom as her dementia progressed."
Senior Care Is a Key Benefit Today
A recent 2024 Care.com workplace benefits survey among 620 U.S.-based HR and business leaders, as well as 1,000 benefits-eligible employees, showed senior care support was a leading benefit request from employees. In the company's 2023 survey, the desire for senior care benefits outpaced childcare for the first time since the survey began in 2020.
"Our survey also found one in five employees have left a job because their employer didn't provide family care benefits."
That aligns with U.S. Census Bureau statistics showing that by 2034, for the first time in U.S. history, we will have more parents to care for than children. A recent workplace equity trends report says caregivers are the fastest growing employee group with many companies hosting internal employee resource group (ERG) focused on caregiving — whether for a child or for an older parent.
"Last year we had 43% of employers who prioritized senior care benefits, in this year's survey it increased to 50%," according to Ajith Segaram, head of global account management for Care.com's Care for Business division which provides a suite of caregiving services to employers including Best Buy, P&G and Trip Advisor.
Most Companies Don't Look
"Our survey also found one in five employees have left a job because their employer didn't provide family care benefits and 21% would leave one employer for another if they had access to senior care support."
One of Wellthy's clients, Hilton, who globally employs more than 168,000 "team members," many of them hourly and shift workers, was recently honored as No. 1 on the 2023 list of World's Best Workplaces. What contributed to Hilton's top ranking was its Care for All caregiving initiative that includes tools and resources to support the mental wellness and caregiving needs of team members launched in 2022.
Yet, despite the awareness, the need and the companies and organizations driving innovation, only 12% of employers currently track their caregiving employees' needs versus benefits and the 2019 Harvard study found more than half of companies do not track their organization's caregiving demographics nor conduct a yearly caregiving audit. In addition, a 2021 survey found almost half of caregivers said their workplace supervisors are not aware of their caregiving responsibilities outside of work.
Helping Employees in Need
Olsen shares that the RCI Innovationl Lab seeks to become a best practices case study to show how one group of employers, located in the same geographic region of the U.S. and sharing similar labor supply and ecosystem challenges, can make significant differences in the lives of employees who are caregiving.
She also feels another benefit of the Innovation Lab's collaborative efforts was a discussion about changing the language in the workplace so that employees see themselves at every phase along the caregiving journey, whether it is child care, spousal care, special needs care or elder care.
"We need to help caregivers struggling with caring for a loved one while maintaining their role at work," added Olsen. "We believe the Innovation Lab will help by giving us a roadmap to help caregivers and employers."


Workplace Caregiving: One Size Does Not Fit All

Sherri Snelling

WANTED: Retirees looking for flexible, paid part-time work in their field of expertise.
 
Now, that’s a help-wanted ad many boomers dream of running across in their Unretirement years, isn’t it? Well, for Harry Coleman of Cincinnati, Ohio, that’s pretty much what happened, thanks to a “matchmaking” service.
 
Coleman worked for Procter & Gamble (P&G) for 30 years, mostly in product development, and decided to grab P&G’s juicy retirement package at age 51 in 2008. “The last nine years at P&G were a blast,” he says. “But I wanted more of a work and life balance and you can’t do that if you’re working 50 to 60 hours a week.”
 
A Three-Bucket Approach
These days, Coleman, now 57, embraces a “three bucket” approach to life.
 
The first two buckets are for volunteering and charitable activities (mostly through his church) and for “goofing off” — golfing, traveling and taking on projects around the house.
 
(MORE: Manual for an Encore Career)
 
The third bucket relates to that ideal help-wanted ad. In this bucket, Coleman takes on flexible, fulfilling, paid part-time consulting positions he has found since he retired mostly through a firm called YourEncore. “The jobs keep me engaged mentally on the work side; I can pick and choose projects,” he says. “Yet I have the capacity to be more involved in other things.”
 
YourEncore, based in Indianapolis, Ind., is essentially a matchmaker between large corporate customers around the country looking for experienced brainpower to address a pressing business problem (typically for about 10 weeks) and seasoned, skilled Unretirees who are eager for a challenge and part-time income.
 
YourEncore was created in 2003 when P&G and Eli Lilly, the Indianapolis-based pharmaceutical giant, asked consultant John Barnard for a way management could draw on the knowledge and expertise of retired employees. Boeing quickly joined the venture to recruit “retired engineers for urgent and complex technical projects,” as an internal company online newsletter put it.
 
Companies using YourEncore are largely in the food, consumer product and life sciences industries. So far, more than 8,000 people have found work through the matchmaker; 65 percent of them have advanced degrees. The pay is good, although the exact amount depends on the person’s experience, the company, the difficulty of the project and the time commitment.
 
(MORE: 3 Essential Tips to Switch to a Second Career)
 
Encore Career Matchmaking Services Are Sprouting
YourEncore is just one example of the growing number of matchmaking services targeted at retiring boomers. It focuses on private sector work, but many others specialize in the social venture space, creating bridges between for-profit careers and nonprofit encores for the greater good. Some are regional, such as Experience Matters in Maricopa County, Ariz. ESC of New England runs an Encore Fellows program in greater Boston. Other matchmakers like ReServe, headquartered in New York City, have national and international ambitions.
 
Though the Unretiree matchmaking business is pretty new, it’s already starting to puncture a common stereotype: that the idea of gray hair and creativity is an oxymoron. For example, YourEncore workers have earned a reputation for creative problem solving, says Peter Kleinhenz, manager of the its P&G office. “You can be really productive when you don’t have a career that needs to be advanced or turf to protect,” says Kleinhenz.
 
New York City-based ReServe offers a very different business model, but it, too, acts as an encore career matchmaker.
 
ReServe connects 55-plus professionals with local nonprofits, public institutions and government agencies. Aside from its New York operations, ReServe also places candidates  — typically former lawyers, doctors, nurses, teachers, accountants, corporate recruiters and the like — in Baltimore, Md.; Miami, Fla.; Newark, N.J.: Boston, Mass.; southeast Wisconsin and New York’s Westchester County. ReServe has placed more than 3,300 workers at more than 350 organizations.
 
ReServists work for a $10-an-hour stipend, well below their market value during their earlier career. (Another $5-an-hour is split between the company managing payroll for the person and ReServe.) The job is between 10 and 20 hours a week and the average ReServe contract lasts nine months to a year.
 
(MORE: Dipping Your Toe Into Encore Career Waters)
 
“A good proportion — 50 percent — are not really looking to do what they have done before. They want to use their skills in a brand new setting. The common denominator is transferable skills,” says Lorrie Lutz, chief strategy officer at Fedcap, a New York-based nonprofit that combined with the smaller ReServe in 2012.
 
For example, Lutz says, an accountant with a passion working with kids might spend a stint as a math tutor. A marketing professional might employ her skills at a government agency struggling to get its policy message out.
 
Giving Back for Your Next Career
ReServe plans on operating in every state and taking its program overseas. “We think we have a great idea here. There’s a generation of talent here and abroad.  Boomers are the most-educated generation,” says Lutz. “They have so much to give back.”
 
That’s certainly the case with Scott Kariya, an IT recruiter for 23 years who “retired” at 52 in 2006. Quickly bored, Kariya reached out to ReServe. He didn’t find an open position at the time, but in 2008 talked his way into a job at ReServe’s main office.
 
He worked there three days a week using his recruiting skills, spending the rest of his time volunteering at the local Red Cross, managing his investment portfolio and doing other things. “Everyone wants to stay busy,” says Kariya. “But I think a lot of people get tired of the 50-hour workweek.”  Today, he heads up ReServe’s information technology operations.
 
A common denominator among encore career matchmakers is the amount of effort they put into finding the right people for clients’ needs. YourEncore gains an understanding of the proposed project from P&G, Lilly or another corporate customer, and then uses that to find the right experts. ReServe learns about the skills and passions of its applicants so the client partnerships are fruitful.
 
I’ve witnessed the same matchmaking ethos at Experience Matters in Phoenix and with the national Encore Fellowships Network. Although the infrastructure is still being built, the future looks bright because corporate America and nonprofits seem more aware of the talents and skills of available boomers.
 
Locating a Local Matchmaker
To find an encore career matchmaker in your area, you might start at the Encore.org site. But you may need to take a more indirect route, by networking locally. For example, in Portland, Ore., Life By Design NW serves as an information clearinghouse. JV EnCorps (part of the Jesuit Volunteer Network) recruits people 50 and older in Portland and Bend, Ore. and Seattle, Wash. In Kansas City, you could check out Next Chapter Kansas City, a grassroots networking group for boomers.  
 
At the moment, the supply of people eager to keep using their accumulated knowledge and creative insights exceeds the demand for their services. But organizations like YourEncore and ReServe point the way toward a model that allows for engagement and compensation for people who’d otherwise have lots of time on their hands.
 
It’s a model that may well end up defining Unretirement the way Sun City symbolized retirement for a different generation in the 1960s.


To Find an Encore Career Job, Try a Matchmaker

Chris Farrell

This is an installment of the “Retirement for the Rest of Us” series, a Next Avenue initiative.People who have not saved for their retirement — or at least feel they have not saved as much as they should have — often opt to do little as far as activities after they stop working. Some will say they want to save for later years; others say they want to save for their children.
Outdoorsy retirees can buy a discounted National Park Senior Pass that is good for their lifetime."There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want."
—Bill Watterson, American cartoonist and author of Calvin & HobbesYet idleness in retirement may be a false economy. Doing nothing can be bad for your health, your spirit and your relationships. Instead of economizing by skipping activities you enjoy, stay active and save money with strategies from the frugal set.
Spend Less, Enjoy More
Here are some ways that frugal retirees enjoy pursuits they like and spend less than one may think. Frugal retirees do not stay home. They talk to each other and share their thrifty ideas. Then, they eat, shop, learn, play, stay, volunteer and even work. Learn their economizing tricks below:
Shop Strategically: More than a dozen supermarket chains offer discounts to older adults on certain days of the month. As long as you have room to store dry goods and freeze perishables, stockpile staple supplies on those days. Coupons can be useful, but only if they are for products you would buy anyway and if they save you more than buying a generic version.
Compare supermarket prices with those at local vegetable stands, specialty food stores and co-ops. The co-op I use offers special senior-day discounts that more than offset the $25 annual membership fee.
Dine at a Discount: Don't feel like cooking? Start exploring. Many restaurants offer affordable meals beyond the "early bird" specials once popular with diners of a certain age. Chain restaurants in particular have developed special menus of dining options with portions — and prices — designed for the nutritional and budgetary needs of older adults.
Track Down a Deal: Chain stores and local retailers alike are offering discount days for older adults. The discounts are typically offered on days of the week with fewer browsers and buyers; Tuesdays are popular. Some stores give you a discount every day of the week or offer the same deals online.
Still not convinced that you want to go out and spend and buy new things for the discount? Not to worry, Goodwill gives older adults 10% off every Tuesday.
The Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in BostonNever Stop Learning
Amaze Yourself: Museums frequently have free days and evenings, but you must plan ahead. Parts of the Ringling Museum in Sarasota, Florida, are open free of charge Mondays and Thursday evenings from 5 to 8 p.m., for example. The Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in Boston is voluntary pay on Wednesday evenings after 4 p.m. and free for anyone 17 and under all the time so you can take a grandchild.
The American Alliance of Museums says 37% of museums in the country were free at all times or had suggested admission fees only; most of the rest offered discounts or free admission days. Ask your local library if it has museum passes that local residents may borrow to see exhibitions with limited or no free days.
Feed Your Head: Libraries, senior centers and local recreation departments often organize discounted classes and movie screenings. College events from speakers to sports allow you to dabble in topics for free.
Fun on a Budget
Play and Save: Want to get outside and play but not fit enough for pickleball? If you live in Arizona, Florida or Texas, look for the nearest Popstroke, one of the upscale mini-golf courses by Tiger Woods. People aged 60 and over pay $15 to play 18 holes, which is $5 off the regular fee. On Monday, they can play all day (each location has two courses) for $20, or $5 off the regular price.
Local leagues for regular golf, tennis and pickleball offer solid competition at your level and come at a discount. The added bonus of meeting new players and being outside helps your physical activity so you will offset some of those discounted restaurant meals.
At least 15 states offer deals for outdoorsy retirees. Colorado, for example, will issue a lifetime discount fishing license to residents aged 64 or over; Vermont issues all veterans and residents aged 62 or over a Green Mountain Passport that allows free entrance to its 55 state parks.
In addition, people aged 62 and over can buy a National Park Senior Pass that is good for their lifetime for $80, compared with $80 annually for the regular pass.
See America, Cheaply
On the Road: With time on their hands, retirees are free to visit destinations they have longed to see. Frugal retirees travel with coolers to bring food and drinks so they can avoid the cost and calories of fast-food restaurants. They also scout out inexpensive accommodations along the way and see which have discounts for American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) or American Automobile Association (AAA) members.
Travelers can save more by trading houses with friends in another part of the country or pay for a house exchange service, like HomeExchange, to vet people for you and set up a house swap.
The bottom line is that you have to look and ask to get discounts. 
If you have a recreation vehicle, consider working at campgrounds and parks that allow you to camp in exchange for working at the site for a few hours a week. One traveling couple I know spend six weeks every summer in Maine, followed by six weeks in the fall in Virginia. Then, they have time in between for travel.
Concerts in the Park
Free Entertainment: The nice weather brings entertainment outside. Consider a concert on your local green or a performance in a large city park. Concerts, ballets and free events are prevalent in the summer weather.
A matinee is typically 40% less than going to see the movies in the evening. Or meet a friend at their home and you bring the popcorn for a friendly intimate movie experience. Retirement means more time to linger. Being comfortable extends those conversations and connections.
Volunteer for Fun: When thinking about volunteering, focus on what you enjoy. Like history? Look for groups that lead tours of an historic local home. Or volunteer as an usher at a local theater and see the show for free. Schools seek out older adults to mentor young students. And adaptive sports programs always need a helping hand. The added benefits include meeting like-minded people and not spending money in the process.
Will Work for Niblick
Work Strategically: It's not uncommon for retirees to apply for jobs at their favorite stores. The attraction is not the paycheck as much as the employees' discount. Think REI if you are outdoorsy. PGA Superstore if you love the links. For a few hours a week, you can qualify for the employee discount and show off your hard-earned knowledge of the sport, while learning about the latest equipment and trends.
There is no reason to stay home to save money in retirement. With some investigation and planning, the money you do have to spend can keep you busy for years to come. Many discounts start at age 60, or even 55, so those still working can claim the discount and put it in their retirement funds.
The bottom line is that you have to look and ask to get discounts. If you want to live like a frugal and fun-loving retiree, don't be shy. The surprises and savings that will land in your pocket make it worth it.


Frugal, but Fun, Retirees

Christine D. Moriarty

For decades, many American workers could plan on roughly 40% of their retirement needs being covered by Social Security with another 60% covered by traditional pensions and savings. But people approaching retirement today face a different reality.
Nearly half (46%) of Gen X — up to 30 million people — do not think they will have enough saved to live comfortably in retirement.Traditional pensions have declined significantly since 1985, and Social Security trust fund reserves could be depleted by 2033, making the idea of benefit increases, even for middle class folks who have worked hard all their lives, highly unlikely. This means that Generation X — people between 41 and 56 and thus the cohort next in line to retire — and all future generations will need to plan differently for their retirements.
Almost half (47%) of all working Gen X will now retire later than they anticipated, and 40% plan to work part-time through retirement.
As future retirees confront a landscape with less support from traditional pensions and increased reliance on defined contribution plans like 401(k)s and 403(b)s, the combination of inflation, capital markets volatility and outdated approaches to financial planning only make things harder. If we don't act, retirement security could become nothing more than a "pipe dream" for many.
However, having weathered the Great Recession and the economic impacts of the pandemic, Gen X is resilient, self-motivated and resourceful. I'm proud to be part of this generation myself. We have the opportunity to lead the way in redefining what the future of retirement looks like in America.
We Have Work to Do
According to a recent Prudential study, nearly half (46%) of Gen X — up to 30 million people — do not think they will have enough saved to live comfortably in retirement. And 58% of Gen X members — roughly 40 million Americans — say they will rely on their Social Security benefit as a main source of income in retirement, even though Social Security was never intended to cover more than about 40% of a person's income needs later in life.
What does all this mean for Gen X's retirement future? Almost half (47%) of all working Gen X will now retire later than they anticipated, and 40% plan to work part-time through retirement. Gen X could also be the first generation to break down the Great Wealth Transfer — only 12% say an inheritance will be a source of retirement income, and a large majority (84%) does not plan to leave an inheritance to their children.
Only 16% of GenXers plan to use their home value to help fund retirement, with many planning to retire in place rather than "snowbird" to warmer climates.
Gen X, and all generations, need to think more comprehensively and creatively about retirement planning.
As Gen X ushers in a new retirement paradigm, the responsibility is on all of us — businesses, policymakers, individuals and the financial industry — to create a sustainable retirement planning model that takes us into the future.
It All Starts with a Plan
Gen X, and all generations, need to think more comprehensively and creatively about retirement planning. Human guidance should work hand-in-hand with technology to provide faster, data-driven and personalized support tailored to individual circumstances and changing external realities.
For those who prefer in-person interaction, sitting down with a local financial professional is a great first step. Together, you can create a vision for retirement and your own desired outcomes.
Determine what percentage of your fixed expenses may be covered by Social Security or other defined benefits, then identify options for making up any gaps and having enough left over for discretionary expenses like travel, visiting family and new passion projects.
If you are more comfortable with digital tools, a variety of online options — including my firm's Stages for Retirement resource — exist to help get people started. When using such tools, it is important to remember that their income and spending estimates are only as good as the information and assumptions you enter into them.
Save Smarter
Next, the industry needs to introduce smarter and more holistic solutions into today's defined contribution-based system — ones that help people make smarter decisions as they save for retirement. We must educate tomorrow's retirees about resources that can make it easier and less intimidating to save.
For example, the Secure Act and Secure Act 2.0 Act are recent landmark bipartisan pieces of legislation with common-sense solutions to help Americans bolster their retirement security, including automatic 401(k) enrollment and annual increases, delays in required minimum distributions, increases to catch-up contribution limits and more.
Strategies also need the flexibility to account for different and changing lifestyle preferences: delayed retirements, part-time work and aging in place. 
Employers and the financial industry must work together to make these types of critical solutions easier to access, including through more digestible information and clear roadmaps, so individuals know how and when to capitalize on these benefits to meet retirement goals.
Protect Tomorrow's Outcomes
Lastly, we must find ways to incorporate the best practices and features of traditional pensions, including risk mitigation and lifetime income planning, to protect the retirement outcomes of tomorrow. These strategies are critical to help Gen Xers avoid the damage that market volatility, longer lifespans and other potential hazards can inflict on otherwise well-balanced financial plans.
We need fundamentally innovative retirement strategies that will pick up where Social Security leaves off and create new, predictable income streams that will last as long as we live.
My colleague David Blanchett, who conducts research and analysis for PGIM DC Solutions, a unit of Prudential's global asset-management business, notes that products with a protected lifetime income benefit offer a promising piece to the puzzle relative to traditional income annuities. That is because they offer potential upside investment growth as well as a measure of downside risk protection against unpredictable external factors like market volatility and longevity risk.
Strategies also need the flexibility to account for different and changing lifestyle preferences: delayed retirements, part-time work and aging in place. Defined contribution plans, interest-bearing personal savings products like money market funds, investment vehicles and protection strategies can all play key roles in building a nest egg capable of generating sustainable lifetime income to meet these desired outcomes.
Gen X is in the middle of a retirement revolution. If we meet these changing realities proactively and head-on, we can transform the future of retirement from a potential problem into an area of significant opportunity and expand access to retirement security for millions.


Reinventing Retirement for Generation X

Dylan Tyson, Prudential Retirement Strategies

I recently received two emails from caregivers that succinctly summarized a pervasive but largely unaddressed problem. Spoiler alert: Peer specialists are a big part of the solution. But first, some background.
"Caregiver burden" is a frequently used term but has different meanings. For example, health care professionals often acknowledge the caregiver burden but see it as resulting from the caregiver's prior relationship with the patient, the tasks of caregiving or the friction that can arise in the family, often over money.
Leading healthcare experts and family caregivers agree about the need for collaboration. And a solution is in plain sight or, at least, not far away.Yet family caregivers often say that the real burdens occur when the caregiver is unprepared for the role and does not know how to navigate our complex and confusing care system. Caregiving may mean juggling other responsibilities such as jobs and child care. 
Caregivers often feel it is like climbing a mountain without a map or guide.
Caregivers often feel it is like climbing a mountain without a map or guide. In a more holistic system of care, a trained layperson with life experience would help the caregiver develop resiliency skills and access services that address non-clinical needs and would also reduce the burden on providers.
Back to the Emails
The first email described frustrations in seeking information from health care providers about an older relative's care. The author prefers to remain anonymous.
"My father is 89 years old and has multiple medical problems. I've filed a patient representative form with each doctor, but when I call to make sure appointments are scheduled and to understand Dad's next steps in treatment, no one returns my calls."
"I called the hospital and asked to speak to a patient representative, but the hospital said that I first had to try to work things out with the clinic manager. How am I supposed to do that if no one returns my calls?"
The following excerpt is from the second email from John Poole, who lives in southern New Jersey. He gave up his job to care for both parents, who had suffered strokes.
"I was a family caregiver to my parents for six years. Caregivers are often cited as the backbone of the long-term care system. But they often do not receive the support they need at the beginning of their journey."
"Caregivers may reduce their work schedules or withdraw from the workforce completely to help a loved one. This action carries with it serious implications that I had not considered thoroughly when I made my decision." 
It involves utilizing the "lived experience" of former caregivers to guide and counsel caregivers through the many stressful choices and events they encounter.
"Because the time spent caregiving and the diversity of a family caregiver's daily tasks are not known to those without personal experience, caregiving is often viewed as a minor life disruption or at best, a part-time job. This is simply not true. I want to use my experience to help others better manage their roles as caregivers to loved ones."
A confirmation of caregiver complaints comes from the New England Journal of Medicine's Catalyst Report, "How Health Systems Can Care for Caregivers," published in July 2021. Based on a survey of 386 health care system executives and clinicians, the report notes that only 23% of respondents say they consider unpaid caregivers part of the care team, yet 83% say they should be. 
Nirav. H. Shah, MD., a co-author of the report, commented: "The biggest untapped opportunities for health system administrators and clinical teams to impact the health and wellness of their patients— and to truly get patient-centered care — is to care about unpaid caregivers."
Insufficient staff (seen as social workers) was the most cited reason (52%) for not doing more, as well as lack of leadership commitment (44%).
Peer Specialist Services In Behavioral Health Programs
Leading health care experts and family caregivers agree about the need for collaboration. And a solution is in plain sight or, at least, not far away. The writer of the second email cited above has identified it. 
It involves utilizing the "lived experience" of former caregivers to guide and counsel caregivers through the many stressful choices and events they encounter and helping them focus on their health and wellness as well as that of their family members or friend. 
In other words, the health care system can achieve benefits for all by building and supporting solid programs based on peer-to-peer communication. This does not replace the support provided by care managers and navigators, but adds valuable knowledge and real-world experience and does so at less cost.
Peer Specialist Services (PSS) in behavioral health programs, a widely accepted evidence-based practice, shows the way, if not all, of the details. 
As Gerard Niewenhous, a health policy consultant in Minnesota, explains, "A Peer Specialist provides support to caregivers, facilitates access to health and community-based services and advocates when the health care system is unresponsive. This relationship is based on respect, empathy, positivity and openness."
Peers can provide a valuable service that frees nurses, doctors and therapists for other tasks. 
These programs are supported by the federal agency SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Service Agency). In addition, every state has a program that trains, supervises and certifies candidates for this position. PSS has demonstrated that it reduces hospitalizations, improves stays in the community and emotionally benefits caregivers and their family members.
Peer specialists are paid. Salaries vary by region and program, but the hourly rate is generally in the $20-23 range, with full-time jobs paying $40,000-$50,000 with various benefits. Further, many programs have opportunities to advance to supervisory levels or receive additional training.
Moving from Behavioral Health to Chronic Medical Conditions
Moving from behavioral health to general medical conditions such as dementia, diabetes, mobility problems, ALS, trauma and others has been slowly gaining acceptance, but that is changing. 
Staff shortages in health care facilities have opened options for the kind of counseling family caregivers need at a time when more typical staff roles are overburdened. And peers can provide a valuable service that frees nurses, doctors and therapists for other tasks. 
Hospital At Home programs are rapidly gaining acceptance and offer an opportunity to include peer specialist support for caregivers whose work at home replaces hospital staff. Some health care providers have adapted the behavioral health model of peer specialist services to chronic medical conditions. 
For example, the Veterans Administration (VA) has two programs for caregivers: the basic Program of General Caregiver Support Services (PGCSS), which provides peer support mentoring, skills training, telephone support and online programs.
The Program of Comprehensive Assistance for Family Caregivers (PCAFC) has more stringent eligibility requirements for veterans and caregivers. It provides a broader range of services, including a stipend for the caregiver based on the region and a base of federal GS4 payments. Both programs offer peer specialist support services. More information on both programs is available on the VA website and in a YouTube video. 
Karen Coppola from northeastern Massachusetts, a Certified Dementia Practitioner ( CDP) who privately coaches caregivers in understanding dementia, managing behavioral challenges and utilizing effective communication techniques, is also a volunteer peer mentor with the VA Caregiver Support Program. She was certified by the National Council of Certified Dementia Practitioners in Sparta, New Jersey.
"Caregivers say, 'Where have you been all this time, and why didn't anyone tell me about you and what you do?'"
In an email, Coppola said, "The mentoring I do is highly rewarding. I know I'm making a positive impact on family caregivers who are caring for veterans with memory loss. Caregivers say, 'Where have you been all this time, and why didn't anyone tell me about you and what you do?'"
In another exchange of emails, Suzanne Mitchell, a family physician in Boston, emphasized that peer support comes in various varieties and titles. 
She mentioned alternative names such as community health worker, coach, mentor and peer specialist. In her diabetes education program, patients have shared medical appointments to learn how to better manage diabetes from others living with the disease. 
Mitchell hopes that in future efforts, both the patient and caregiver can participate in shared appointments so the needs of both patient and caregiver can be met with peer support. She has participated in research that has validated the inclusion of caregivers in the transition from hospital to home to reduce hospital readmissions.
9 Ways to Learn About Peer Specialist Opportunities 
Despite the proven worth of peer-to-peer communication, identifying the available opportunities requires research, persistence and creativity — all skills that many caregivers have developed to fill in the gaps in health care information and services. 
Here are some suggestions to get started:
1. Assess yourself. What are your strengths as a person and worker? Do these fit well with the role of peer specialist? For example, are you comfortable talking to people with different backgrounds and values? Can you suggest solutions to miscommunication without blaming the caregiver or the health care professional?
2. Keep a notebook for all the contact information and items for follow-up.
3. Identify local agencies and sources of information. Each state and county or large city has government agencies that will have some relevant information. Start with the Departments of Aging, Health, and Mental Health. Private employment agencies may serve clients who need peer specialist support.
4. Identify community-based agencies that may have or be willing to create peer support programs. These may be local chapters of national organizations or local bodies. They may be general caregiving organizations or groups focusing on a specific disease.
5. Identify local training sources, such as community colleges, nonprofit agencies, etc. Consider enrolling in a course for peer training, even though you do not have a job yet. Many behavioral health peer training programs include sessions on roles and responsibilities, person-centered care, recovery and resilience, communication skills, and planning and service delivery. They could be adapted to include chronic health conditions by adding sections on specific diseases. 
6. Look for other peer groups. For example, the Peers for Progress program at the University of North Carolina has information about U.S. and international groups.
7. Ask other caregivers to meet key government or community leaders. With their involvement, you might be able to get a local foundation to fund a pilot project. 
8. Check websites such as Indeed.com or Linkedin for current job openings.
9. Stay focused and think positively. Those skills got you through caregiving and will help you find the next step.


From Caregiver to Peer Specialist: A Job Based on Life Experience

Carol Levine

In late middle age, the leading above- and below-stairs couples of Downton Abbey are enjoying the prime of their screen lives and acting careers. Onscreen couples Hugh Bonneville, 52, and Elizabeth McGovern, 54, (who are married on the program) and Jim Carter, 67, and Phyllis Logan, 59, (who are engaged to be married) were recently in New York to promote the sixth and final season of the beloved PBS Masterpiece drama, which debuts in America this Sunday, Jan. 3.
At a cast panel at PBS Thirteen in New York, creator Julian Fellowes, 66, was straightforward about his fondness for late-in-life love stories. Though he has a Best Screenwriting Oscar for his collaboration with Robert Altman on Gosford Park, Fellowes’ worldwide acclaim came with Downton Abbey.
“I think it’s so important to show older people having romance and sex in their lives,” he said, noting that, as a rule it’s rare to see graying lovers on film. In Season 5, there was one over-60 romance plot involving Dowager Countess Maggie Smith and another revolving around Penelope Wilton (Isobel Crawley) — who’s had two elegant, over-65 suitors.
Romance Below the Stairs
And because Fellowes has always given as much weight to the lives of the servants as the aristocrats, in the new season, set in 1925, the first episode features the impending wedding of devoted butler Charles Carson (Carter) and no-nonsense head housekeeper Elsie Hughes (Logan). It is a first marriage for both of the Crawleys’ head servants, who are portrayed as being in their late 60s.
Although the chaste romance evolved for five years at what Carter termed the “speed of a glacier,” as Season 6 opens, the marriage is imminent — and Mrs. Hughes (the "Mrs." was a traditional title for servants then) is having anxiety attacks about nudity and consummation.
She procrastinates in setting the wedding date until knowing what her intended “expects.” But too mortified to broach the subject herself, she has the also embarrassed cook, Mrs. Patmore, (Lesley Nicol) ask her groom if he expects a “full” marriage.
“Mrs. Patmore hilariously trying to negotiate the terms of the marriage with Mr. Carson captures all that is good about the series,” Fellowes said.
Jim Carter as Mr. Carson and Phyllis Logan as Mrs. Hughes 
The Scottish Logan, sparkly and effervescent in New York, looks much younger and is decidedly more glamorous than Mrs. Hughes, rather a plain brown wren in sensible shoes. But she loves playing the character, whom Fellowes has characterized as the moral center of the program. Though the relationship exemplifies Fellowes’s fondness for developing relationships as a slow burn, Logan said she believes Carson fell in love with Mrs. Hughes first. “Though I suppose for both of them it took a lot of guts and big hearts for them to embark upon something like this in late middle age,” Logan said.
Still a Surprise
Even after six years, the cast still seems astonished at the acclaim for Downton Abbey. With English understatement, Bonneville said “the affection and demographics of the show far exceeded expectations. It’s been an amazing signpost in our careers, no doubt.”
He said was stunned when, in the early days of Downton, after only four episodes, a classmate of his 10- year-son Felix accosted him in the school parking lot. “He said ‘I don’t like that evil butler Thomas,’” Bonneville said. “I was amazed at the reach of the demographic.”
McGovern, who has played his lordship’s onscreen wife three times, says she’ll most miss the Granthams’ PG-rated bedroom scenes, a literary device used often by Fellowes for summary.
Lady Edith Crawley, Cora, Countess of Grantham and Lady Mary Crawley“I’m going to miss regularly reiterating the plot with Hugh Bonneville in bed every night,” McGovern said to an auditorium full of laughter. “And never, by the way, having any sex.” “Unlike the Carsons,” chimed in Logan.
In the United States, where the cast is mobbed wherever they appear, “it’s rather a different famous,” Fellowes said. “When Americans love something, it’s not by half-measure. English fans don’t express themselves in quite the same way.”
The stars were also joined by Michelle Dockery, 34, the beautiful actress who plays Lady Mary; Irish actor Allen Leech, who is Tom Branson, 34 (her chauffeur-turned- estate-manager brother-in-law); Kevin Doyle, 55, the hapless and hilarious manservant Molesley and executive producer Gareth Neame, 48.
No Detail Overlooked
All seven cast members seemed aware that it’s unlikely they’ll ever again be a part of such a global phenomenon; Downton Abbey is the highest rated drama in PBS history and has spawned an industry unto itself that includes more than 20 books, music, mugs, tea, towels, wine, trading cards, puzzles, table runners, night lights, jewelry, jelly, hair barrettes, baskets, clothes, Christmas ornaments, lamps, light-up villages and a board game.
What makes a job on the adored program different, Bonneville said, is the extraordinary due diligence accorded everything, starting with the magnificence of Highclere Castle (as the abbey) to the glorious fox-and- hounds hunting scenes to the superlative writing, costumes, cinematography, set decoration and accuracy of every detail.
Bonneville said the authentic post-Edwardian period food is really cooked (again and again) for the excruciatingly correct dining room scenes — which take days to film — in which Carson, ever the military-postured butler, must always stand. (“People have said they don’t recognize me when I’m sitting down,’” Carter joked.)
Robert, Earl of Grantham“When I open a letter in a scene, it is handwritten on beautiful paper, in calligraphy, and the prose is relatable to the scene I’m acting,” said Bonneville, who confessed to having snitched one. “Whereas in other filming I’ve done, the words ‘blah blah blah’ are written on the page of the letter.”The cast was nostalgic — and more than a little sad — about having heard the final “cut” last summer on the extraordinary Masterpiece series that made them famous around the world. For Carter, watching the burly crew members dissolve into tears just did him in. He said: “I was a soggy mess. Took me completely by surprise.”
Bates, Lord Grantham, Tom Branson and MolesleyFor his part, Fellowes said he stopped by the set on the last day of filming in August, intending to stay for 10 minutes but ending up for the duration, a long goodbye that was tear-stained and emotional for him, as well.“What a lachrymose lot we are,” Fellowes joked. “When life, essentially, is really a matter of saying goodbyes.”Said Dockery: “I was rather sick leading up to the last take.”
But it was the words of Laura Carmichael (her screen sister, Lady Edith) that most calmed and resonated with Dockery. Though the siblings catfight constantly in the series, in life they are so close that Dockery moved in London to be near Carmichael (who was a receptionist in a doctor’s office before being cast as Lady Edith).
Carmichael’s message to Dockery was gratitude. “Laura and I walked through the house together and sat in all the rooms and cried,” Dockery said. “And she summed up the experience by saying to me, ‘Just cherish all the joy we’ve had doing this the last six years.’ She said that some people don’t experience this much joy in a lifetime. And that has still stayed with me.”
Since its premiere in 2010, the costume drama that is Downton Abbey has been the most watched and nominated show in British history. The series thus far has amassed, among other awards, three Golden Globes, three Screen Actors Guild Awards, a Producers Guild Award, three BAFTAs and three National Television Awards for Best Drama. The sixth and final season of Downton Abbey premieres on Masterpiece on PBS, Sunday, Jan. 3, at 9 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.


Downton Abbey Stars Talk Sex and Marriage

Kate McCarthy

You've been gone now more than 20 years. The experts have decided my grief merits a diagnosis. Here's what they've come up with for inclusion in the most recent revision of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition, (DSM-5): Prolonged Grief Disorder, (PGD) a condition in which, there is an "intense yearning/longing for or preoccupation with the deceased person," and the "duration of bereavement exceeds expected social, cultural or religious norms."  
Eileen Vorbach Collins and her daughter, LydiaThe diagnostic criteria include: 
Feeling as though part of oneself has died Marked sense of disbelief about the death  Avoidance of reminders that the person is dead  Intense emotional pain. (Anger, bitterness, sorrow) related to the death  Intense lonelinessFamilies of the children and teachers murdered in Uvalde, Texas, may find themselves, someday, with the same diagnosis. No matter how they manage to function in the interim, as May 24, 2023, the anniversary of the massacre, approaches, many will relive the nightmare.
I'm no expert, just your mother, intensely longing for you well after the six months to a year that's a marker for inclusion under the set of criteria. 
The anniversary effect is well-documented. They won't need a calendar; their bodies will alert them, like mine always remembers you. To suggest that their grief is a disorder does them a disservice. To recognize their pain as valid and expected may help them to move forward, carrying their grief always, but eventually opening themselves to moments of joy. Of some semblance of peace.   
All of the Memories 
I'm no expert, just your mother, intensely longing for you well after the six months to a year that's a marker for inclusion under the set of criteria. I'm sometimes still, after 20 years, preoccupied with memories of you. The sad memories haunt me, but I love the happy ones. The birthday parties, Girl Scout meetings, the county fair.   
But some have proposed that even those happy memories should be discouraged. It seems PGD is based on a reward system. Sometimes, the pleasure centers in my brain light up when I think of you. One small brain imaging study showed that happened with about half the subjects. Should I feel shame because they liken this to addiction?  I know you'd be questioning the validity and reliability of that study, as you relentlessly questioned everything. Rolling your eyes at the small sample size. Scoffing at the conclusion that deemed the glowing brain parts maladaptive because the subjects continued to crave that feel-good sensation. 
The author's daughter, Lydia, with her rabbit named HipHopBut maybe they're right. I've been addicted to you since before you were born. First, in love with the idea of you, and then with your amazing, brilliant self. Supporters of the revision argue that the DSM-5 and the International Classification of Diseases, (ICD-11) criteria will make it easier for bereaved people to find "treatment." I hope this is true, but I'm skeptical. 
Functioning During Bereavement
For years after you died, I tried to find a therapist who took my insurance and who practiced eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, (EMDR) an evidence-based trauma therapy. That sounded like it could be helpful. The last time I tried, just about a year ago, I found no one within 50 miles and once again gave up the search. I don't know that the inclusion of a new diagnosis, a new disorder, will impact access to services.  
After you died, I had to get back to work. Your brother and I needed food and a place to live. Three days is the typical bereavement leave. Seventy-two hours. I still expected you to call for me to pick you up from the library. To slam your door so hard the house shook. To sing to the cat. To play your flute late into the night. Sometimes I heard you, the notes a small, comforting trill as I fell into a troubled sleep.  
After three weeks, I went back to work and tried to forget you for eight hours every day. Forced you into the closet so that I could function. And I did, letting you out only when I got home.  The experts led me to believe that one year would be a turning point. That when 365 days and nights had passed, I would be able to pack you away like yellowed letters from a long-forgotten lover — that time alone would have mended my shattered heart. I'm no science denier, but I fear the experts may have missed the mark here.  
The Grim Reality 
No one told me that the second year is often worse. That the shock would wear off, replaced by the grim reality that I would never see you again. One year after you ended your life, the force of your absence pounded me with gut punches that knocked me to the ground. Still, I got up in the morning. Went to work. Shopped for groceries. Functioned. Dysfunctioned. Malfunctioned. We long-grievers are not being morose. Our bodies are no longer wracked each day with sobbing. Our eyes may not be puffy and red. We've had moments of joy and hope to have many more.  Despite those who think we should be over it, I'm going to light up my nucleus accumbens, that reward place in my brain, with images of you as often as I can. You're my addiction and I'll cry if I want to. 
Today, though, my tears are for families of 19 children and two teachers who died in their elementary school. In six months, the survivors will still have marked disbelief about the death. They may be preoccupied with thoughts of their deceased child. In one year, the siblings of the children who died in the Uvalde shooting, like those of the children who died at Columbine, at Sandy Hook, at Parkland, may be preoccupied with thoughts of their brother or sister, still intensely longing for them. Like your brother might long for you when in the company of his cousins, all sibling pairs – he the only one without. The only only child.In ten years, the Uvalde families will still experience intense emotional pain, anger, bitterness, and sorrow related to the deaths, as do the families from Columbine. From Sandy Hook. From Parkland. From the hundreds of other places we've seen gun violence.  
Today, though, my tears are for the families of 19 children and two teachers who died in their elementary school. In six months, the survivors will still have marked disbelief about the death. 
Numbed as a Society 
You were 14 years old in 1999 when the Columbine shooter killed 13 people. You wrote a letter then, in your hopefulness, to the newspaper about gun control.  When 26 people died at Sandy Hook Elementary School, you were no longer alive to write a letter. I'd been grieving for 12 years. In my naivete, I thought the country would enact reasonable gun laws.  After the Parkland shooting, students who organized and spoke out were maligned, ridiculed and threatened. Emma González, the student from Parkland who reminded me so much of you. Feisty and beautiful, roiling with righteous rage, brave in the brokenness, shouting into a megaphone before a throng of people. When I heard Emma speak at a gun control rally, I cried, longing for you. I'd been missing you then for 18 years. Intensely. Still functioning.  In six months, the world will have ceased its preoccupation with the 19 children murdered in Texas. Our collective anger, bitterness and sorrow will be directed elsewhere. Because that's what's expected of us now. Grief neatly packaged and time-limited so no one looking in from the outside is too uncomfortable.  I'm no expert, just another grieving parent with a new diagnosis. Look, I'm writing a letter to you, and you've been dead for more than 20 years. I must have Prolonged Grief Disorder. But I wonder if the effort to arrive at a diagnosis might be better focused on the sickness of a society that has become numb to repeated mass shootings.  The only thoughts and prayers I have for those whose loved ones perished in Uvalde are these: In the difficult years ahead, may the pleasure centers of their brains light up often when they think of their sweet children. I hope they never feel rushed to get over it. 
May they speak their child's name if that brings them comfort, as saying your name comforts me. I refuse to pathologize that. Our memories are all that's left. Maybe that's an addiction, but I call it love.  


My Grief Goes On: A Letter to My Late Daughter

Eileen Vorbach Collins

It made front page news in March 2022, and for those of us who have lost loved ones in the past few years (whether due to COVID, other illnesses or tragedies) it's a relevant, albeit painful, subject.  
It's the subject of grief. The newly revised Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR), also known as Psychiatry's Bible, has added a new diagnosis — prolonged grief disorder (PGD) — which has been the topic of heated discussion among psychiatrists, therapists, researchers and others who deal with those left behind when a death occurs. 
Is it helpful to call chronic grieving a disorder, or is labeling the process of working through a loss, even if it takes longer than people think it "should" take, something that can be hurtful or even harmful?
In her new book, "The Grieving Brain," psychologist and neuroscientist Mary-Frances O'Connor writes, "A mental disorder shares a fuzzy boundary with normative human difficulties. Researchers and psychologists are working hard to understand and explain the murky boundary between disordered grieving and the universal human pain of loss."
It can be comforting to know that other people have struggled in the same way and that you are not the only one suffering so terribly. 
Prolonged grief disorder impacts approximately 7 - 10% of all bereaved persons. It can be comforting to know that other people have struggled in the same way and that you are not the only one suffering so terribly. It is validating for family and friends to know that it is a disorder and that you just can't "snap out of it."
Some experts, insisting that everyone has their own time frame for healing, worry that pathologizing prolonged grief by calling it a disorder could potentially make some people feel worse about themselves. However, news of the diagnosis has spread the word that there are treatments aimed at lessening symptoms, and that reaching out for help can speed the process of recovery, which is a positive thing.
Understanding the Grief Process
"We now know that time alone does not heal all wounds," says Mariann Arcari Rubin, a psychotherapist and certified grief recovery specialist in Nassau County, New York. "It is important to notice when you are triggered (for instance, when you unexpectedly discover a photo in the corner of a drawer) to feel the feelings of loss, to articulate them, and to process the whole array of complex emotions with a trusted listener so you can move forward and past these debilitating feelings."
In the "normal" grieving process, the first stage is acute grief, marked by strong feelings of longing and sorrow, insistent thoughts and memories of the person who died. Other painful emotions such as anger, guilt, remorse or anxiety may be present.
The "adapting to loss" stage is marked by acceptance of the reality and permanence of the death and working toward rebuilding one's capacity to experience a sense of well-being.
Loss of a loved one through death is a risk factor for development of depression, which is why getting early treatment for prolonged grief disorder is so important. 
There can be a mixture of negative and positive feelings, as the loved one is remembered with warmth, love or pride, possibly mixed with relief that the deceased is no longer suffering. The goal of this stage is to begin to envision a future that can be filled with purpose, meaning and satisfaction.
"Integrated grief" is a lasting, bittersweet form of grief which has a place in the person's life but does not dominate it or have great influence over feelings, thoughts or behaviors. Integrated grief generally stays in the background, but the intensity of the pain may be reactivated on an anniversary, birthday or holiday for years to come.
When the process stalls, people can suffer from Prolonged Grief Disorder. While there are some similarities to depression, in prolonged grief the thoughts and feelings circle more around the deceased, while in depression the emotions are more free-floating. 
Depression is marked by a lack of enjoyment in any activity and a sense of hopelessness, often with feelings of worthlessness or self-hatred.
Loss of a loved one through death is a risk factor for development of depression, which is why getting early treatment for prolonged grief disorder is so important. 
As listed in the DSM-5-TR, PGD has very specific criteria, which includes the core symptoms of persistent intense yearning and longing and preoccupation with thoughts and memories of the person who died. The death must have been at least 12 months ago (six months for children and adolescents.) At least three of the below symptoms must also be present on most days:
·      A marked sense of disbelief
·      Avoidance of reminders of the loss
·      Intense emotional pain related to the loss
·      Difficulty engaging and reintegrating in ongoing life
·      Emotional numbness
·      Life feels meaningless, and the future seems bleak and empty 
·      Feelings of identity confusion or disruption
·      Intense loneliness as a result of the death
These symptoms must cause significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. 
Risk factors for the development of prolonged grief include a history of mood or anxiety disorders; when the death is sudden, unexpected or violent; when a young person dies; when there is more than one loss within a short period of time and when the normal mechanisms for grieving are unable to take place.
Pandemic deaths, when families were unable to be with dying loved ones and when memorial services were only able to be viewed on computer screens, contain many of the ingredients that could lead to a painful and difficult-to-resolve extended period of grief.
Treating Prolonged Grief Disorder
Over the years, there have been a number of treatments designed specifically for people who are struggling with grief.
One of the most effective, Prolonged Grief Disorder Therapy (PGDT), formerly called Complicated Grief Therapy, is a short-term therapy which fosters adaptation to the loss by addressing stuck points and promoting what are referred to as healing milestones. These include accepting grief and letting it find a place in your life, learning to live with reminders of the loss, and finding ways to ease emotional pain.
"One of the most powerful activities we encourage is to write a letter to the deceased with apologies, forgiveness or 'significant emotional statements.'" 
Developed by psychiatrist Dr. Katherine Shear, founding director of the Center for Complicated Grief at Columbia University School of Social Work in New York, its effectiveness has been shown in multiple studies including randomized clinical trials funded by the National Institutes of Mental Health, and it is now being used by clinicians across the country.
The Grief Recovery Method is an evidence-based program aimed at helping people identify how their loss is affecting them and what factors may be hindering their healing.
"Individuals go through a structured process which includes sessions with a specialist, readings about grief, loss and coping, and suggestions for stress-relieving behaviors. One of the most powerful activities we encourage is to write a letter to the deceased with apologies, forgiveness or 'significant emotional statements,'" explains Rubin.
Another form of treatment proven to be effective is exposure therapy, paired with cognitive behavioral therapy, where the bereaved are encouraged to repeatedly revisit intense and overwhelming memories and emotions about the death while the therapist provides support.
Antidepressant medications, surprisingly, do not appear to be useful in reducing symptoms of prolonged grief disorder, more proof that it differs from clinical depression. 
Because there are some similarities between the strong feelings of craving, yearning and attachment seen in bereavement and those during the withdrawal process in addiction, there are several clinical trials using oral Naltrexone (which is currently used for alcohol and opioid dependence) as pharmacological treatment for prolonged grief disorder.
"We bereaved are not alone," wrote Helen Keller. "We belong to the largest company in all the world — the company of those who have known suffering."
Grief aches and throbs and breaks our hearts, but it does not have to ruin our lives forever. There is help, there is hope and there is healing. 


When Grief Doesn't Go Away

Barbra Williams Cosentino

(This article is adapted from Getting Older: How We’re Coping with the Grey Areas of Aging.) 
 
In 2007, the University of Cincinnati unveiled Live Well, what it called an “unusual consortium” between its students, faculty and corporations, including Procter & Gamble (P&G), the consumer-product giant headquartered nearby. The goal: to research and develop product ideas for consumers age 50 and over.
 
The segment's needs, it said, were “underserved,” requiring a shakeup of models to find the sweet spot between those needs and what was feasible to produce.
 
Since then, Live Well hasn't commercialized a single product and is still looking for those sweet spots — the unmet and often unarticulated needs of older consumers, who have been largely ignored by youth-obsessed brand managers, marketers and product designers.
(MORE: Boomer Guru to Marketers: Wake Up!)
 
The Problem With 'Senior' Products
That's not to say there aren't products targeted at the senior circuit — Depend undergarments, Fixodent denture cream, MedicAlert bracelets, even Swarovski crystal-studded walking canes. And who can forget LifeAlert, made famous by late-night TV ads featuring the poor old woman who has “fallen and can't get up?”
 
The problem with those products — beyond the crummy ads — was that they highlighted and reinforced the debilitating effects of aging. Sure, they rack up sales and all sorts of everyday items have been tweaked to appeal to aging consumers. What existing products haven't yet done is create a lasting emotional connection with older consumers, the true litmus test of a brand. Nobody aspires to own adult diapers.
 
What Do Boomers Want?
Boomers don't want to just spend money on the things they need; they have the dollars and the desire to splurge on the things they truly want.
 
That's where companies so far have failed. And that failure will cost them: In 2017, approaching half of the U.S. adult population will be 50 and older and they will control a full 70 percent of the disposable income, according to data tracker Nielsen. By 2050, there will be 161 million 50+ consumers, a 63 percent increase over 2010.
(MORE: How Boomers Rearranged the 3 Boxes of Life)
“What I see going on now is a tipping point — it's all busting open,” said Ken Dychtwald, a gerontologist and author who runs a consultancy called Age Wave and has been studying seniors for 40 years. “Think of it as popcorn in the microwave. All of a sudden it starts to pop, and then things really start popping.”
 
Boomers have reinvented each stage of life they've entered. And they aim to redefine what it means to be old. “They're saying, ‘Hell, no, we won't go down to Florida,'” said Mary Furlong, author of Turning Silver into Gold: How to Profit in the New Boomer Marketplace.
 
“You'd have to be an idiot to turn your back on this humongous growth market,” said Jody Holtzman, head of AARP's Thought Leadership unit. If that is the case, an idiot wind is blowing across the private sector, to paraphrase the poet laureate of the boomers, Bob Dylan.  
 
A Gray Area for Business
Alison Sander, who runs the Boston Consulting Group's Center for Sensing & Mining the Future, said only about 5 percent of her corporate clients really understand the nuances of the senior market — it's still a gray area for business.
 
That helps explain why only about 15 percent of advertising dollars are spent on this demographic, despite accounting for almost half of consumer packaged-goods sales, according to Nielsen data.
 
“I have been in meetings where I ask Fortune 500 CEOs what they would do about this market, and often their minds jump to assisted-living devices for dementia or grab bars for showers,” Dychtwald said. “They don't think of Lexus convertibles. They don't think of Amazon. They should.”
(MORE: Why Aging Is the Next Big Investment Opportunity)
2 Boomer Myths That Marketers Believe
 
Marketers are stuck on a variety of myths about aging, including these two:
 
Older consumers buy the same brands they've always bought. As a result, marketers say, why bother catering to them? “If that theory was true, I would drive a Chevy Impala and wear English Leather,” said Dychtwald, 63.
 
They're cheap. Actually, a survey of 3,000 consumers over 60 by consulting firm A.T. Kearney found that they're not particularly price-sensitive, even if their incomes are below average.
 
The sheer size of the wave gives it buying power never before seen in an emerging group of elderly. These are the children of Mad Men, not the Depression.
 
Oxo: The Kitchen Tools Maker That Gets It
One company that understands that reality is Oxo, the kitchen tools maker. Its functional and easy-to-use “Good Grips” line has won countless design awards and sells in 78 countries. Fueled by its success, Oxo has expanded into baby products, office supplies, and medical devices like syringes. What it won't ever do, said President Alex Lee, is position a line of products for older consumers. Explicitly pitching seniors would be folly, said Lee, since they don't like being singled out and reminded that they're old.
 
So there you have it: The company that does such a great job of making products for seniors takes great pains not to make products for seniors. That's the paradox of the aging consumer.
 
And it helps explain why P&G's Live Well initiative hasn't notched a dollar of sales yet. Mike Sanders, a P&G design manager who has taken part in more Live Well projects than just about anyone, knows this all too well. One thing he's learned along the way: Seniors, he said, “have a hard time imagining what they need.”
 
Maybe that's because they're still figuring it out.
 
Excerpted with permission of the Publisher, Bloomberg Press, from Getting Older: How We’re Coping with the Grey Areas of Aging by Bloomberg News. Copyright © 2014 by Bloomberg L.P. All rights reserved. This book is available at all ebooksellers.


Why Marketers Still Don't Get Boomers

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